Forget you.

So I've been thinking. I should be my own best friend. Other people are so much trouble, especially girls. If I had a best friend at all, it would be a boy. & I do have a guy best friend, Lane. :) but girls are so much drama. And in a way, I was just betrayed by my own best friend. :(

I thought she cared about my feelings. But I guess not. I don't wanna say too much but basically she is going after the guy I like. The only reasons I can think of why she would possibly do that is: somehow she got amnesia & didn't remember, or she thinks I don't like him anymore because it's hard for me to open up to guys so I don't show it. Plus I knew he liked her, so I was like screw it I don't care. But I really do :( and every guy I've liked so far has ended up crushing on my best friend. I'm like, WTF. Are you serious? What's wrong with me?! & she hasn't liked any of them so far except this one. And they freaking kissed. And she told me about it. And I am pissed. And I don't give a flying crap about their relationship, hidden or not. I don't wanna hear about that. I've never been in a real relationship, the last one, two years ago was dumb. It's not my fault no guys are interested in me, except the ones I'm not interested in.

I only have one friend who seems to care about my feelings & happiness. Everyone else is like, "Erin's tough, she'll be fine! Who cares?" Guys, I need support too! I need to know someone cares. Everyone is in it for themselves these days.

 I've always cared about other people more than myself, and more than others care about me. It says in the Bible to put others first, but I magnified it unconsciously. I've almost convinced myself that I'm not nearly as important as other people, & that's bad! I need to make a change, cause putting others miles before myself hasn't gotten me very far. In the end, everyone is happy because of me, & I'm up the creek without a paddle. I'm done putting my hope & trust in others. I'll just look to Jesus. He is the only dependable One in this world. I also like this other guy, but I'm not putting too much stock in him in case nothing works out.

I refuse to go to sleep crying again tonight. Happy thought, happy thoughts.

Best wishes,
xoxo, Erin