Forget you.

So I've been thinking. I should be my own best friend. Other people are so much trouble, especially girls. If I had a best friend at all, it would be a boy. & I do have a guy best friend, Lane. :) but girls are so much drama. And in a way, I was just betrayed by my own best friend. :(

I thought she cared about my feelings. But I guess not. I don't wanna say too much but basically she is going after the guy I like. The only reasons I can think of why she would possibly do that is: somehow she got amnesia & didn't remember, or she thinks I don't like him anymore because it's hard for me to open up to guys so I don't show it. Plus I knew he liked her, so I was like screw it I don't care. But I really do :( and every guy I've liked so far has ended up crushing on my best friend. I'm like, WTF. Are you serious? What's wrong with me?! & she hasn't liked any of them so far except this one. And they freaking kissed. And she told me about it. And I am pissed. And I don't give a flying crap about their relationship, hidden or not. I don't wanna hear about that. I've never been in a real relationship, the last one, two years ago was dumb. It's not my fault no guys are interested in me, except the ones I'm not interested in.

I only have one friend who seems to care about my feelings & happiness. Everyone else is like, "Erin's tough, she'll be fine! Who cares?" Guys, I need support too! I need to know someone cares. Everyone is in it for themselves these days.

 I've always cared about other people more than myself, and more than others care about me. It says in the Bible to put others first, but I magnified it unconsciously. I've almost convinced myself that I'm not nearly as important as other people, & that's bad! I need to make a change, cause putting others miles before myself hasn't gotten me very far. In the end, everyone is happy because of me, & I'm up the creek without a paddle. I'm done putting my hope & trust in others. I'll just look to Jesus. He is the only dependable One in this world. I also like this other guy, but I'm not putting too much stock in him in case nothing works out.

I refuse to go to sleep crying again tonight. Happy thought, happy thoughts.

Best wishes,
xoxo, Erin

Let's keep going!

Sooo lately I've been gravitating back and forth from extremely good mood to hopelessly upset. I don't like this! A great deal of these mood swings aren't my fault; my extremely low Vitamin D affects my mood. But some of it is all me. I will not let this go on my entire life! I simply won't. My whole life, I've been building habits of being a serious worry-child (that's what I call it haha) & just worrying left and right about everything, things that hadn't even happened yet. Right now I've been worrying about my schedule for next year, my process of losing weight, my soon-coming college years, and even what I'm going to wear tomorrow! Being so anxious all the time is truly exhausting. I will not let Satan win!

I made myself a conscious decision to not worry about things that haven't happened yet. Most things will take care of themselves, or I can take care of them, with some help from other people, because I can't do everything on my own like I used to believe. Such as scheduling & online classes & taking classes in school & out periods, I just need to keep going to the counselor's office & she can help me. And it'll be fine. Things like this will turn out okay! I needed someone to remind me of that fact. One of my teachers.

Yesterday, the day I went home sick because of extreme effects of my monthly, I sat in the hall with my favorite teacher for a good 20 minutes talking about life. I ranted and complained and rested my head on her shoulder while she told me good things about myself and my life. I told her how I dream dreams and see visions & angels and she told me a cool story. I'm glad she loves Jesus, just like me :) she can relate to me. This is the same teacher I mentioned in an earlier post, btw. She even bought me an exquisite journal to express my new "attitude of gratitude" & she inscribed it! I'm going to keep that forever. & she said she would keep a gratitude journal with me! She is so supportive, her kids are lucky to have her as a mom :)

Totally different topic, last week I did the Cinnamon Challenge at a friend's house & put it on YouTube! It was awful, I don't know why I believed I could succeed! It burned my throat & made me wanna vomit. Ahhhh. But the video was well received by my peers ;)


& it was Valentine's Day this week! I wasn't looking forward to it because there would be an overcrowding amount of big, red, heart-shaped balloons, flowers, chocolates, and couples making out and basically having sex in the middle of the hallway. But my guy friend, Lane, who I went to homecoming with last year & who numerous people have assumed we were going out, gave me the most thoughtful Valentine I've ever gotten. He made it, & drew pictures of our inside jokes & memories together <3 he is so sweet! We might end up dating very soon ;) & my best friend gave me a Valentine shaped like a whale, "whale you be my Valentine?" I love her!

All in all, I'm getting better. My motto is let's keep going! How else will I get anywhere?

Best wishes,
xoxo, Erin